I'm not sure what the issue is or how I fix it. I just feel so...fake? Is that the right word? I mean as a Christian. I want to be a Christian. And I don't. The part that does...I just don't feel like I measure up. I feel like it's a goal I can't obtain. I know I'm supposed to "love" everybody I come into contact with. But I don't particularly want to. Sure, with people that I like I can manage to love them. People that I don't like...not so much. Yes, I know. Jesus said even the heathens do that, so I'm not attaining the Christian standard in that regard. How do I make myself "love" people that I just don't really like? I read the Bible a little. But, I probably should read it more than I do. Honestly, though, sometimes it's difficult to understand and sometimes I just find it boring. I don't know if that offends God, but it's true. I get that the Bible is meant to be informative and it's not meant to be exciting or entertaining, but it can be dry in places and that makes it hard for me to want to continue reading it at times. How do I fix that? I get depressed and a little bitter because I know my introducing Christianity into our family's lives several years ago has a lot to do with my older daughter's writing me and my wife off and not having anything to do with us anymore. But, I know I'm accountable to God for how I raised her and I have to answer to Him at some point, and I believe I did the best I could. But I know God isn't stupid and He knows I've more than once thought to myself things may have turned out better between my daughter and I if I hadn't tried to bring God into the picture. Overall, I don't think I've had as traumatic of experiences as hisleast has had, but I definitely struggle in my "walk." I don't think I'll throw in the towel and walk away but, I mean, is this pathetic Christianity all I have to look forward to? I see others and they just seem so friggin' happy and fulfilled as Christians. Why can't I have that, too? Am I supposed to be content with this crappy Christianity that I have?
Aaron, I look at it this way. Jesus said the greatest command is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. So if I were to ask what is the greatest sin, my answer would be to not obey the greatest command. Well, in all honesty, I doubt that I've obeyed that command for a second in my life. All my heart? All my soul? All my mind? All my strength? Not a chance So every day I fail to keep the greatest command and every day I violate it. That should leave me in a bad place. But it doesn't. Because the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases and His mercies never come to an end. They are new every single morning. People debate who the guy in Romans 7 is. Christian? Not Christian? It's me. I think it's a Christian. I don't know your heart. I can't. Only the LORD knows your heart. That you struggle doesn't worry me. The day I'll worry about you is when you don't struggle and you don't care anymore.
I don't know how they do it, those 'happy and fulfilled' Christians. Most days I wake up and I'm depressed; I see a therapist because my head is a mess; I think to myself constantly that if I were ever in the situation, I wouldn't deny Jesus, lie to make my faith easier, and I commit myself not to fall into the same sins I always fall into, but by the end of the week will probably have done all of those things. I'm supposed to love other people, but I find it extremely hard to be nice to other Christians, and I don't have very many good things to say about church. I often wonder how many of my problems wouldn't be problems if I didn't have to worry about what people in the church would think. Jesus loves me; I acknowledge Him as Lord, I want to follow Him but then I feel like the worlds biggest hypocrite 90% of the time and I don't know how I'd deal with it if Jesus showed up 5 feet infront of me. I have all these ideals in my head and I hear constantly that the Holy Spirit is supposed to help us with these things and then the reality sets in. It's only because I regret whatever I've done, desire not to do these things, and sometimes succeed at not doing them that I'm at least somewhat assured that I haven't rejected Jesus, or that my faith isn't merely one of convenience and circumstance. A big problem for me? I think of God as a stern, stoic man who has high expectations and for whom everything can always be improved, and nothing is ever good enough. That's my experience of my family translated onto Jesus, and it's not fun. Paul called himself the chief of sinners, but I'd debate that with him. At the end of the day your relationship with Jesus is between you and Him. When people (in church) ask me why I don't smile all the time I give them the cheeky answer: I'd rather be grumpy and in heaven than happy and in hell. As long as you're concerned about it, then I think you're going in the right direction.
They're right Aaron... Shoot, I've been going through something similar for the past two years. Two weeks ago I got victory over it. It all narrowed down to my "choice" of how far I was gonna let myself sink. I'm probably gonna argue with Kierkegaard and Paul over being the chief sinner here buddy. Oh wretched man that I am. Aaron, you may just have to wrestle with the Lord over this one sir, but I'm a praying for you.
Even Paul felt that way at least once because he bemoaned the fact that "the good that I want to do, I don't do and the evil I don't want to do, that I do (CWIV)." We all have times when we go through that. The trick is to just keep your eyes on Jesus and keep trying. Or as a poem I wrote "Walk". (I'll go over to the bards board and make sure that one is on. )
This may sound harsh, but I want to assure everyone that this post is directed entirely toward myself and perhaps someone can benefit from my personal experiences. At the end of the day, I can look back and recount all the events. Did I force myself on the world? Did I go out the door with the attitude of "THIS is what I am going to do. (Emphasis on I). Usually ends up being a crappy day. If, when I go out the door and I say, "God, this is where I'm going, please stay one step ahead of me so I can follow." Well, the day seems to go much smoother. Sometime, we(I) treat the Holy Spirit as the guy with the shovel following the elephants in the circus parade. Just clean up after me please. Then at the end of the day it's "God, why did you let this happen to me? Why didn't you stop me?" Kinda hard to stop something from behind. A simple "God, here I am, show me." Does wonders. He's got to be in the lead to show you anything. Don't expect Him to help you in retrospect.
^^ This Which is exactly what Paul was talking about when he said for us to present our bodies a daily sacrifice. First you present, THEN you go about your day. If you're not a morning person but you pray in the evening because that's more meaningful to you, then present THEN for the NEXT day. Pray FORWARD, not BACKWARD. Because you can't time travel and go back, but you can only live in this very moment and make your decisions in the present time. So have the good sense to pray ahead, trusting God to meet you when the time comes. I also think a lot of times we act first and repent later, because we're secretly afraid God is going to interfere with our plans or that He is going to mislead us, or that He quite frankly doesn't care, or that He's not going to allow us to do whatever we want to do. It all boils down to lack of trust in the end. When, we're supposed to live by that trust (or faith) in God. "The just shall live by faith". If we supposedly trust God with foreverandever, why can't (or won't) we trust Him with today and tomorrow and the next 5 minutes? What's the difference? Or is the "I trust God to save me for all eternity" just something we say but actually don't really believe, as proven by the choices we make every day? What's the difference between trusting God in Paradise, and trusting Him on Earth? "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven". Eternity has started already so we don't have to wait for Paradise to live in the Kingdom, because we're in it already and we just have to live it out. Close the gap between what you say and what you do, and choose to trust God with your life and all the nitty gritty things in it, starting right this second. I may be a bumbling fool a lot of times, but I learned the value of praying ahead years ago. If I send my prayers ahead of myself, I know I at least stand a good chance of God catching me when it counts, so I don't have to waste my precious prayer time on "I'm sorry for this, that and the other" all the time, but I can actually pray and live productively and confidently, and focus on others and their needs instead of crawling around guilty before the Throne all the time, always focusing on how badly I mess up and constantly tripping over myself. Aaron, as to your daughter -- at what point in time are you going to let go of the past and choose to trust God with what happens to her, regardless of what you think you did or didn't do right or wrong when she was living with you? At what point are you going to live today and pray and look ahead rather than wallow in regret about something you can't change?
I'm really praying for you guys, too! In the last few months, I have had a wild Great Awakening (actually a second one!) that I'd like to share with you with a fervent prayer that will help you some! First Awakening: I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior as a small girl (7 years old), and I'm 60+ that now. But Satan gave me fits of doubt and confusion as I got into college in the 1960's and as a double major in English and Religion, I got pounded with all kinds of attacks about God's Word (you know, the God is Dead theology). That didn't help! I had been raised by wonderful Christian parents, but finally the night before the Thanksgiving in my sophomore year in college I came to my first "Great Awakening". My parents had Christian radio streaming over an intercom throughout the house. I was trying to cover my ears and not listen, but God had other plans. There was a gentleman praying who said, "I sense in my spirit that someone out there is just not real sure of your salvation. I want to pray for you." And he did. I don't remember now a word that he prayed, 'cause I was on my knees saying "That's me, God. I don't know if you even exist, but if You do I REALLY need You. Please help me! I ask for Your forgiveness and I know that is Your promise to me." There was a huge peace of His love and assurance that I may not have fully understood everything about salvation, but He did assure me that I had given all I knew of me to all I knew of Him as a child, and that was fine with Him, but it was time for real spiritual growth. . I wish I could say that everything was all smooth sailing from there, but you know our greatest enemy! I got into seminary and some more of that same heresy, but then I met my now husband and he has been a big help. But now I said "in the last few months" so here's what God's been doing lately! He's given me a wonderful friend with whom to pray each Thursday morning, a wonderful ministry with my pastor husband until he retired after 50 years of preaching year before last, and a marvelous church to be involved in and my own "Second Great Awakening"! I team teach a ladies' Sunday Morning Bible Study (Sunday School to most). A few quarters ago we began a study in Daniel. Daniel has always been one of my favorite books, because his consistent prayer life throughout his 70+ years in Babylon's captivity let me know that God WANTS to communicate with me! The other part of Daniel that i love, and I know, I'm weird, but the prophecy in the last half! I love how our SMBS writers then went to Revelation. Now I'm pleading for your understanding here, but I DO love Revelation! Then we went to Genesis, and WOW, our writers let us know that Genesis and Revelation are like the bookends of the Bible. I was amazed at how much of those Scriptures just seem to fit together, and my love for God's Word megavaulted! Aaron, you said you read the Bible a little, but either don't understand it or find it boring. Been there, done that, Buddy! But let me share a little not-so-secret with you. I discover that if, before I open the Bible, I go to the Lord in prayer asking for Him to reveal His truths to me and help me live them, the Holy Spirit gives me a better hold on the Word. Of course, then I often have to come back to prayer, either with praise and thanksgiving to the Lord for what He has shared, or in confession and rededication to His will. Prayer is an awesome weapon! You see, satan (I refuse to capitalize his name) throws his strongholds at us, but genuine, heartfelt, fervent prayer has a gigantic effect. Someone, and I think it was you, Aaron, mentioned that your family had withdrawn from you when you became a Christian. That is so sad, but God can help! Have you seen the movie War Room? If not, PLEASE do what you have to do to get it! And I say that to all you guys!It's on sale wherever Christian books and movies are sold. The awesomeness of a lukewarm Christian woman learning how to combat satan in deep prayer for her marriage and her family is amazing.She learns that her husband is not her real enemy and her joy in life ONLY comes from Jesus! I don't want to say any more, but PLEASE get the movie and even the accompanying prayer and Bible Study guides. I know, the crazy one speaks again, but I didn't think I'd ever have a more favorite movie than The Sound of Music until War Room came out. It plus a deepening commitment to God's Word have revolutionized walk with God! And, Parson, I know where you're at when all of you refer to Paul and Romans 7. Believe me, I have BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT! But the VICTORY is in Jesus Christ! One more thing: if you're not in a Bible-believing Church, fellowship with other believers there can really help!
Better by far for me to START my day with prayer, giving the Lord my heart, mind, sou, body, spirit, words, attitudes and actions: then asking Him to go before me! But remember one thing, too! God says He will be with us always, even to the end of the world. Sometimes, i know He is right beside me. Other times I know He is going before me. But I NEVER want to jump in ahead of Him, although confessedly, sometimes I do. That's where my repentance comes in!!! Of course, like Daniel, I want to keep prayer (without ceasing) in my day, so here goes my prayer for all of you: Father, God, each of us is Your creation, Christian or not. But a deep personal relationship with You is so vital! I lift each of my friends here, and myself as well, asking each of us to genuinely be certain that all we are is committed to all You are as Lord and Savior, first of all. And then I pray that You will guide our walk with You, every nanosecond of every day! Your Word, prayer, and fellowship with other believers are such a blessing to help us do that, if we approach each of them with Your heart. So take our hearts and help us to walk in the total Joy of Jesus! I pray these things in Jesus' precious, wonderful name! Amen
A post I read elsewhere summed it up pretty well. Chop wood, haul water. At this point you're probably thinking much like I was thinking, namely "Huh? What's that got to do with anything?" Here's the thing. Lots of advertising, media etc gives us the idea that our lives should be filled with wide and varied excitement, that we should jet off for a week in the sun at the drop of a hat, drive a new car, have a rich and fulfilling social life, get ourselves a partner and have an exciting sex life, and so on. And we may (and hopefully will) do at least some of those things for a time. But the basics of life will always be there. We need heat, we need food and water. So "chop wood, haul water" is something we're going to have to deal with more or less every day of our lives. OK, "chop wood" might be metaphorical in a society where power comes from the electricity company and "haul water" loses its impact when you just turn on the tap and there's as much water as you can possibly use, but the principle remains. We have to go to work and deal with the drudge to pay for the basics of life, and those basics aren't going to go away any time soon. It's also much like a doctor friend of mine told me about his job. Many people go to medical school with grand visions of their future research into life-threatening diseases, maybe getting a prize for finding a cure for cancer or treating heart disease or whatever else, and then the reality is that in general medicine they will spend most of their lives looking down throats and up rear ends. Jesus talked of the narrow path for a reason. It's not an easy life, it's not a cushy number. It's easy to talk to the talk but walking the walk is hard work. We're supposed to love people. When you're out on a bicycle and someone in a van passes you so closely you have to take evasive action to avoid being literally side-swiped off the road, how do you love the driver? Don't ask me, it's more than I can do (in precisely that situation I thumped the side of his van and it's probably just as well there were lots of people about because I honestly don't know what that kind of adrenaline rush would have triggered). Admittedly after the adrenaline rush faded I lost the desire to drag him out of the van and beat ten bells out of him (which is a big change from my pre-Christian days) but the fact is under pressure I acted in a way that was far from Christ-like. Sometimes the Bible can be boring. It's a user manual, and user manuals aren't known for their gripping plots and edge-of-the-seat twists and turns. In a way it's kind of like the letters my wife wrote me when we were on opposite sides of the ocean. Most of what she wrote was of great interest to me, but every once in a while she'd tell me about stuff that I just couldn't connect with. I wasn't bored of her, I just struggled to connect with that particular aspect of her life. I've often found that if I start to read a book of the Bible and just read it from start to finish I'm more likely to stick with it. If it's a book I expect to be dry then I read it comparing it to other texts I remember from the Bible, looking to compare and contrast. A study Bible can help with that. When I got to Leviticus I really wasn't looking forward to endless pages of burnt offerings, sin offerings, wave offerings and the like but through reading Leviticus I found it constantly pointed at Jesus. Going back to "chop wood, haul water", if you look at some of the churches that appear very successful (and I'm thinking of places like Bethel, IHOP etc) many of them would have you believe that miracles should be everyday occurrences and if you're not seeing miracles in your life on a regular basis you're doing it wrong. But they tend to distort Scripture to mean what they want it to mean, and usually seem more concerned with fancy fireworks than with the basics. In an ironic twist one of Bill Johnson's books talks of Elisha being faced with the fiery chariot that came down out of heaven while Elijah was taken up - his task was to focus on Elijah and he succeeded in that he wasn't distracted by the chariot. Sadly what Bill Johnson pushes seems to lose sight of our master because we're so worried about signs and wonders. One problem with a lot of word-of-faith type teaching is that it teaches that positive confession is key. If you truly believe that what you say creates reality (as some people genuinely do) then you can't afford to say anything negative. If someone asks how you are you have to be positive to create that reality. If you say "I'm struggling a bit, I might not have a job at the end of this month and it's stressing me out" you risk unleashing that reality and losing your job. It's garbage, it's rotten to the core, but the people who believe in it will only ever put on a happy smiley face as they gush about how great their life is, all the while knowing that it's actually anything but. And that leads into another issue. One of the issues within the church is the sense that "it's only me". When I've been out on my bicycle and lost my rag with a motorist, I wonder how it is that I seem to be the only one who struggles with a fiery temper in situations like that. But then if we talk, if we fellowship openly, we see that everybody else has their own struggles. If we're honest enough to be real with each other we can see that everybody has their own cross to bear, that "it's not only me", and we can help each other through.
I couldn't have summed it up even better. That "only me" syndrome really gets me sometimes. There's LOTS of comfort knowing I'm not alone.
I think a lot of times we over-emotionalize things to the point where all practical sense is lost. It's all great and dandy to have deep emotional experiences, but when you chase after those and lose sight of the practicality of love in action, then it gets hairy around the edges. That's usually why cultish and totalitarian movements tend to target young people since they're easily enough emotionally manipulated as they still hang on to idealism and tend to romanticize life more so than those of us who have been around the block long enough to know better. That's true in the religious arena as well as the political arena. At some point those youngsters become disenfranchised and look for something more real and sound, and unfortunately that's also when many of them leave "Christianity" for other pursuits because they equate that nonsense with "God" ... when it's just people using the Bible and emotional "experiences" to manipulate other people, in the name of self-validation. Somewhere between idealism and disenfranchised jadedness is love in action in the nitty-grittiness of daily life. For example, a young mom doing her best to take care of her baby, even though changing a dozen dirty diapers every day doesn't feel very "spiritual". Or a young dad working two jobs in a fast food joint during the day and at a gas station in the evenings to put food on the table and pay the rent. Or someone letting an old lady cut in front of them at the checkout line because she's obviously struggling to carry her basket. And then helping her load her groceries in the car. Or agreeing to meet a young mom at the gym 15 minutes later than normal because you can tell she's having a day. Loving generously in the daily minutiae, and by so doing giving significance to them and the people involved. Being fully present, every minute of every day, paying attention to how I can love someone better today than I did yesterday. That takes mindfulness, purposefulness, and work. To me personally that's far more spiritual than spending hours in Bible study or singing songs or listening to sermons or whatever else we do that we call "spiritual" or "Christian". I'm all for positive confession, and especially thanksgiving and focusing on God's goodness, but not in a shallow way that glosses over pain and struggle and makes people feel like there's something wrong with them if they're hurting and struggling. Which is why I do bowling with gutter guards. Because I don't like the ditches on either side of the road we're supposed to be walking on. 8)
Aaron, "All systems fully functional, dude". Let's deconstruct some of the specifics of your post. You feel you don't read your bible enough. Still, imagine how many illiterate people have been Christians throughout history. At least you have the capability to read it and come to your own conclusions. Didn't you just finish school and start a new career? Plus a family? How much would be "enough"? That's a trick question buddy.. Even when I was reading every single day I *still* felt like I was a slacker. More on this later. You feel you can't love your enemies. Welcome to humanity. It wouldn't matter if it were easy, so your conflict over it is natural. Also let's figure out what "love" means in this case. In the 60's or 70's there was a cult that started "flirty fishing". It was the idea that women could use "love" (sex) to seduce men into becoming Christians. Is that loving your enemies? No, it's just holding a stupid idea of what love is. I see "love" as more "doing the hard stuff for people who need it". Like changing the diaper of a screaming fussy child. You don't particularly LIKE the experience, but you're do in it out of love. What about pushing some random person' scar out of the snow? For all you know they could be the biggest d-bag on the planet. I think the point is it's easy to treat you close relations well. It's not easy to treat strangers and perceived enemies well. TL;DR - don't be a d-bag.