Ok, well, some of you know about my (and my Mom's) situation regarding my Dad in a care/foster home, trying to get Medicade approval to absorb the cost of his care. As some know, our first application was denied. So we went to see Mom's attorney and made adjustments he felt would assist in getting the second application process accepted. Well, wouldn't you know it, it got denied.......................again!!! Add to that, the fact that the person who owns/runs the care/foster raised our out-of-pocket cost nearly 40%. Believe it or not, because I know the owner, he's giving us a really good deal. But even at that, we struggled to pay that. Already, 75% of my paycheck goes to help my Mom pay for the care. Sorry if it seems to get scattered from here. It's just that the disappointment is..........I don't even know what to use..........deep, that I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel. I'm not even mad. Hell, I just feel so damn empty that I want to cry, but I can't even to that. There's a saying that states, "Before you pray, believe". I did that to the best of my ability. NOPE!! DENIED!!! Almost every fiber of my being just wants to say screw it!! What's the point of praying when the prayer gets answered in the negative?? Why should I believe before I pray when the answer was NO?!?!?! Was my belief not strong enough?? Is my faith not strong enough?? Do we have to become desolate before something positive happens?? Every part of me wants to ask why. But I can't do that, right. You don't ask God why. I want to ask Him for an answer. But I can't do that, right?? You don't ask God to answer you, right?? What seemed to be a miracle in the beginning has basically turned in to a cesspool bad news and more bad news. While Hisleast's journey in Christianity was/is much different from mine, I feel like I understand what he felt in terms of searching for God, screaming out in prayer, begging, asking, pleading, etc., only to be met with a giant void. Only to be disappointed.............deeply. You know what the stupid thing about this whole situation is, even as I type this???? I STILL have this damn, irritating voice in my head saying 'trust me'. Every other part of me wants to scream 'WHY????? What has that done for us???'. That's when I'm brought back to ~30 years ago when my Mom had cervical cancer. It went away. Miracle, right??? My whole heart believes that. But what about now??? I have to trust, right??? I have to believe, right??? Why??? Seriously, what's the point??? As much as I just want to give up and walk away (because believe me, I wonder if He even heard my and my Moms prayers), this damn voice and a part of my heart still saying "trust and believe". *sigh* I don't get it. I just don't understand. So deeply, deeply disappointed.
Not even sure what to say to that LT. I will remember to pray for all of you even though that sounds pretty trite I'm sure.
The question that you are asking, LT, is "Where is God when it is silent." I think we've all asked that from time to time. None of us can pretend that we can crawl inside your skin and feel what you feel, but in various ways, at vairous times, I think all believers have felt that sense of abandonment, that sense of alone-ness. Yet, as you said, you still have that voice saying "trust me." Sigh. I don't know the answers. In times like these, I'm reminded of Paul. When I think of his life, I feel like such a wuss. "4 Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the gforty lashes less one. 25 Three times I was hbeaten with rods. iOnce I was stoned. Three times I jwas shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; 26 on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, kdanger from my own people, ldanger from Gentiles, mdanger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; 27 nin toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, oin hunger and thirst, often without food,2 in cold and exposure. 28 And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for pall the churches." This is the same guy who says "17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." "light momentary affliction"???? Is he out of his mind? That's the part I don't get. I guess my problem is that I can't get my eyes off the today... the temporal... the things seen. I think much of our "disappointment" with God is that our churches, often, have painted God as the great sugar daddy in the sky, and gone as far as to tell us that if we believe (as we define it) then God HAS to give us what we want. At least in my life, that has led to great frustration and disappointment. Does God love us? Yes. Does God miraculously intervene in our lives? Sometimes. Does He have to? No. Does it means He loves us less when we don't get what we want, or when we suffer? No. Our churches have taught us that God's love is performance based. IF WE do right, IF WE pray right, IF WE believe right, then God HAS TO obey our will. With all due respect, that's another Gospel. It isn't the Gospel Jesus or Paul taught. God loves us because He decided to do so. God loves us in the midst of our fallen, broken, dysfunctional world, one in which our family members get sick and require more care than we can give them and that we can't afford to pay for. God loves us when we question Him and He's not intimidated or upset by it. He doesn't love us less, regardless of what our life circumstances show us. He didn't love Paul less while Paul was getting the crap beaten out of him, or hungry, or alone floating in the ocean. He didn't love Paul less while Paul's friends turned their backs on him. And, LT, bro, God doesn't love you less when your dad is suffering, or when you and your mom are struggling. God just loves. As trite and trivial as it sounds, everything else is just "life stuff." Yet, we are supposed to pray, and believe, but the flip side is that we also have to trust, and accept. Love you, bro. Praying that God gives you and your mom and your dad peace, and strength, and wisdom, and hope.